Anne Stokes Fantasy Art

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Absolutely incredible!Anne Stokes artwork is subject to copyright. Her work is scattered through-out my blog as per her kind permission. There is more to this image than first meets the eye. Look carefully at the fairies wings. There is a hidden, subtle image of a translucent skull. The top wings contain the eyes, the lower wings the jaw. Cool huh? Bet you never saw that at first glance. The whole picture, with the magic and the pool and the skeleton and the fairy… I dig it! Mind you, I dig ALL of her stuff. I can’t think of a single piece that doesn’t appeal to me immensly.

Autoglass Repair man??

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My girlfriend said “Alex” from Autoglass came over to inject his special resin into her crack. Should I be concerned? She doesn’t own a car.

Cyber Sex Chat

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One of the funniest things I have ever encountered must be the nut who calls himself “bloodninja” Basically what this guy does is trawls adult chat sites, then takes the piss out of who ever is on the other end. If you don’t find this hysterical, then there is something wrong with you!

The following convo actually took place. Without further ado, let me introduce… Blood Ninja!!

Bloodninja: Wanna cyber?

MommyMelissa: Sure, you into vegetables?

Bloodninja: What like gardening an shit?

MommyMelissa: Yeah, something like that.

Bloodninja: Nuthin turns me on more, check this out
Bloodninja: You bend over to harvest your radishes.

MommyMelissa: (pause)
MommyMelissa: is that it?

Bloodninja: You water your tomato patch.
Bloodninja: Are you ready for my fresh produce?

MommyMelissa: I was thinking of like, sexual acts INVOLVING vegetables… Can you make it a little more sexy for me?
MommyMelissa: (pause)

Bloodninja: I touch you on your lettuce, you massage my spinach… Sexily.
Bloodninja: I ride your buttocks, like they were amber waves of grains.

MommyMelissa: Grain doesn’t really turn me on… I was thinking more along the lines of carrots and zucchinis.

Bloodninja: my zucchinis carresses your carrots.
Bloodninja: Damn baby your right, this shit is HOT.

MommyMelissa: …

Bloodninja: My turnips listen for the soft cry of your love. My insides turn to celery as I unleash my warm and sticky cauliflower of love.

MommyMelissa: What the fuck is this madlibs? I’m outta here.

Bloodninja: Yah, well I already unleashed my cauliflower, all over your olives, and up in your eyes. Now you can’t see. Bitch.

MommyMelissa: whatever.

Who let the dog out?!

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Bright Orange Penis

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A guy goes to the doctor. He says “Doc, I got a major problem. My dick is orange.”

The doctor asks him to take off his pants and sure enough this guys dick is orange. Not just a little bit, but bright fucking day-glo orange. So the doctor asks him “Have you been having sex with prostitutes or dirty girls?”

“No Doctor. I am still a virgin.”

The doctor asks “Have you been working with dangerous chemicals?”

“No doctor.”

The doctor stares at the blokes cock for a bit and asks “Hell mate. Are you maybe a spray-painter and your aim was a bit out?”

“Nope, nothing like that.” comes the reply.

The doctor shakes his head and says “This is a most unusual and difficult diagnosis. I need to know more about you. Tell me, what do you do during the day?”

“Oh not much.” says the patient “I stay at home, watch porn and eat Cheeto’s!”

Boris Vallejo

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In an earlier post I explained how the faceless dictators of a certain social networking site disabled my profile. I initially thought it was for breach of copyright laws as I had posted fantasy artwork by Anne Stokes. I wrote to Anne who granted me permission to include her works on my blog. I was stoked! No pun intended.

For the next few days I set about learning the ins and outs of setting up a blog. My brain sizzled as I forced myself to absorb geek speak, html jargon and numerous terms that I do not wish to torture you with. All the while, in the back of my head, was a little voice whispering…”Vallejo, Boris Vallejo!”

At first I thought I was going mad. Boris Vallejo grant me permission to use his copyright? What a ludicrous idea. I would have to get past his wife first. But, emboldened by my success with Anne Stokes, I thought “What the hell. Nothing ventured, nothing gained right?”

You may be wondering just who is this Boris Vallejo? What am I raving about? Well for the not so informed, let me enlighten you. Boris (as he signs his work) is only like “The GOD” among erotica and fantasy artists. On his official website, you cannot right click to “save picture as” and if you try, the message “you are not authorized to right click” will pop up. So, my chances were slim but I gave it a bash. I flattered.

I e-mailed the MASTER and hit the send button. By this stage, I am not sure whether it was my success with Anne Stokes or the magnum bottle of sauvignon that drove me to contemplate such madness. Imagine my absolute shock when four hours later I got “you have a message from Boris Vallejo” I just stared at the monitor. Flabbergasted.

At first I was too scared to even open it, convinced my request had been denied. I imagined the reply along the lines of “Any attempt to make use of Boris artworks will lead to immediate prosecution and death by firing squad.” Until my curiosity got the better of me. I must admit, I had to read it a few times before it sank in. For your pleasure, I have copied the reply directly from my g-mail. Check this!

Hello Patrick:

Thank you for your kind words about our art.
As long as the images would be just for display and of low resolution (72dpi),
we have no problem at all. Thank you for asking
Boris and Julie. As for the image to the right, how much more phallic could he get!

Ok! So who is Julie then? She is his wife. Also incredibly talented, but more of her in a later post. Boris was born in Peru, and emigrated to the USA in 1964. He got his first paid job as an illustrator when he was just 16. He quickly built a huge fan base with his paintings of Conan the Barbarian, Tarzan, Doc Savage and others. Since starting out, Vallejo has made use of digital media, but his preference is for oil paintings. Over the years his works have graced the covers of hundreds of books, typically science fiction and fantasy, although his more recent works lean more towards erotica. Vallejo lives in Pennsylvania and has two children from his previous marriage.

Ok so thats your introduction. I will continue to post as the blog evolves!

Tiger Woods teaches golf

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One day Tiger Woods was on the course teaching his wife the game of golf. But she just could not get the hang of it. Half the balls she would end up hitting behind her, the other half a mere few feet into the rough.

Now Tiger had been with her from the first tee to the 18th. He had shown her greens and fairways, bunkers and water traps, wedges, irons and putters. He had tried to teach her even the most basic principles but she still could not fathom it out.

Out of pure frustration he said to her “Honey, the concept is actually very simple. You have to hold the club FIRMLY. For pity sakes, grasp it like you hold my cock!!!”

So Mrs Woods tees off and gets A HOLE IN ONE!! Tiger nods his head in appreciation before saying “Thats more like it! Now you can take the club out of your mouth!”

Halloween Joke

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It was Halloween, the husband and wife were due to go to a dress up party together. The wife developed a horrible migraine in the afternoon and told her husband she would rather not go. Being the ever faithful, the husband told her he would stay home too. “No! No!” she insisted. “You must go or I will feel just awful!”

So the husband went to the party while the wife slept for a bit. When she woke, the migraine had passed and since her husband had not yet seen her outfit, she decided to go to the party in her disguise and see what he was up to.

She mingled among the guests, then spotted her husband in his outfit standing at the bar, downing drink after drink and leering at the other female guests. Then he hit the dance floor, skanking his ass, copping a quick feel here n there. So she decided to go dance with him, he was after all her husband. The two of them got down and dirty and literally set the place alight. So she whispered in his ear “Lets go outside for a quickie!”

Out in the garden the husband banged her for all he was worth. Just before midnight and the official unmasking, the wife slipped away and went back home. A while later her husband returned so she said to him “Good party, dear?”

“Nah, not really.” said her man.

“Oh? Did you have too much to drink?” she asked.

“Only one beer. Then orange juice the rest of the evening.”

“Oh?” she said, eyebrows raised. “And dancing? Did you have fun?”

“No babe.” he said. “You know when you’re not around I don’t really enjoy myself. In fact I went upstairs and played cards all night.”

The wife was about to blow her top when the husband says “Mind you, the guy I loaned my costume to seemed to have enjoyed himself.”

Halloween, from a cynics perspective

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Halloween. Another excuse for us to fritter away our hard earned cash. If its not Mothers Day Fathers Day Valentines Day Easter Christmas Eid Mubarak independence day, Malcolm X day or Lesbian Day, we are forced to suffer yet another money making scheme, this one for the dead!

This is a pumpkin pic. Shows the dude has some imagination. Talent too!

Forgive my cynicism, but I am so tired of the capitalist BS that accompanies these festivities. It is ridiculous the extent to which we have forgotten the meaning and origins of such occasions. For example, I live in South Africa. Guess what? The Muslims in South Africa celebrate Christmas!!! The malls are packed with sandals and turbans and Hallmark cards no longer say “God’s blessings to you over Christmas!” because that’s politically insensitive. Religious intolerance. So they now read “Best wishes to you over the festive season.”

Gandalf in the Mines of Moria, carved pumpkin

On the 31st October time we will celebrate Halloween. Until a few years back, Halloween was not celebrated in South Africa. The then Apartheid government viewed this Pagan festival as Devil worship. Strange though that beating and torturing blacks was God’s will. (It certainly kept the crime rate in check) Blacks? Sorry, I forgot my pc manners. I appologise, for now they are known as African Africans. And I am no longer a white; I am a European African.

But I digress. Back to Halloween. Oops, did I say Halloween? Sorry. I did not mean to offend the Christians among you. Certainly no God fearing Christian would involve themselves with any Pagan ceremony. No! Heaven forbid. So desperate to keep up with the Jones, Pope Gregory the 3rd and Pope Gregory the 4th moved the Pagan holiday to November the 1st and called it All Saints Day! Well the Protestants didn’t like this. They protested. Then they saw the Pagans and the Catholics were having fun and they didn’t want to miss out on the action so…. They introduced Reformation Day! So the Pagans and the Catholics and the Protestants were all in on the bandwagon. Where were the Muslims? They needed a hostage. The grim reaper was nowhere to be found so…. in Muslim countries where Halloween is celebrated, devotion is paid to Saint Barbara! How the hell the got that right, I haven’t the foggiest.

Ok well the Pagans and the Catholics and the Protestants and the Arabs were all having a whale of a time. But you know how humanity works. You can’t please every-one and some folks just need an excuse to be miserable wet blankets. Who are the unhappy bunch? Well, the Jehova Witness crowd doesn’t accept Halloween, but bare in mind they won’t accept a blood transfusion either. So who else? Have you heard of the Wiccans? The people whose beliefs actually stem directly from Paganism? They don’t like Halloween. Apparently little kids dressing up as witches adds to the stereotype of evil crone, especially when they associate themselves with Aliens and characters from horror movies. And then the Jews don’t go in for it either, unless of course they can make a quick buck on the sly.
Carved pumpkin, image from Pirates of the Carribean

So what IS Halloween? What does it mean and from where did it originate? Aah! The roots are derived from an old Celtic tradition known as Samhain, which in a literal translation means summer’s end. Samhain celebrates the beginning of winter, or ‘the darker half’ of the year, sometimes also known as the “Celtic New Year.” It was a time when the ancestors were invited into the home, as it was believed the boundary between this world and the other world somehow thinned and became more accessible, both to good AND bad spirits. So to ward off psionic attacks from evil spirits, the nutty Celts made bonfires, slaughtered cattle, threw bones on the fire and disguised themselves as evil spirits. The logic was “if I LOOK like a BAD ASS MOFO then the REAL bad ass mofo will be shit scared of me and leave me alone!!” So that is where the idea of dressing up and looking like some kind of hell spawn originates. Not the Rocky Horror Picture Show. Sorry to disappoint. And the word “Halloween” was originally spelled Hallowe’en, abridged from All Hallows’ Evening. Or, to be more accurate, from the Olde English “Eallra Halegna Fen.” So there!
Pumpkin carving, Eragorn

Now we know why little kids dress up, it’s time to discuss Trick or Treat. Common themes nowadays tend to be mostly from horror movies. So Freddy from Friday 13th and Nightmare on Elm street 476264 are ever popular. In 2006, 57% of Yanks spent an average of $40 each on costumes, the revenue from this day an estimated $5 billion!!! To feed a starving African (African African, not African American) child for a month costs less than $10. Don’t get me started on what Yanks spend on pet clothing. You would be horrified. Now we have our little Bratz dolled up in the Emperors clothes, they then have the bloody audacity to bother the neighbours, demanding sweets. This is where the “trick” part came in. Originally it worked as follows “You give me treats, or, malicious little bastard that I am, I will trick you. I will cause untold damage to your property. So… hand over the good stuff!”

One popular treat was toffee apples (candy apples to the Yanks) since Halloween comes shortly after the annual apple harvest. Now good neighbourly folks got sick and tired of damn children on the mat holding them to ransom. It was time to exact some revenge. So broken bits of razor blades and shards of glass were inserted into these apples, giving the bloody kids some reason to look so horrific. Needless to say, parents of these monsters freaked out. For a fee, you can now take your kids toffee apples to the hospital and have them X-rayed. Not to be out-smarted, the hippies added a bit o’ LSD into the toffee mix. The fortunate ones came home tripping their skulls out!! The freaks also love Halloween. Murders, sadomasochistic crimes and such like all rocket over this period too. Have fun! Dress as Michael Jackson!

So, hopefully now that you’ve read my piece you are more informed and aware of this ridiculous event. I, for one, am going to sit in the pub, drink beer and watch the evening as an outsider. Like I do for most of these idiotic days.

If you liked the pics of the pumpkins, and are looking for MORE, plus FREE templates, check http://www.fantasypumpkins.com (sorry, new to blogging, don’t know how to get hyper-links working yet)And if you liked the blog, share with your mates and colleagues. Also feel free to comment. I need some attention.

The Super Hero AGM

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The Super Hero’s had gathered in Paris for their AGM. Every one was there. Spider-man, Hulk, Cat-woman, Bat-man… you name it. The procedings were supposed to start at 10:00 sharp, but Superman, who was the Master of Ceremonies, was no-where to be found.

By 1 pm they were all getting pretty darn annoyed. Hulk was turning green and every-one was bemoaning that super-heroes have better things to do with their time than to sit around doing nothing, when out of the sky comes Superman, his cape blowing nonchalantly in the breeze.

Hulk storms over to him, furious. “Superman!” he yells. “Where the hell have been? We don’t have time for silly late comers! You better have a damn good excuse!”

“Well” says Superman “I was flying in from New York and I use the Eiffel Tower as a navigational beacon. As I flew over it, I saw Super-Woman lying naked on the top viewing platform. She was rubbing her boobs and writhing in extacy. I got a super-hard on, flew out of the sky straight into her!”

“Gosh!” says Hulk. “I bet she must have been surprised.”

“Yep, she was! But not as surprised as Invisible Man.”

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