Anne Stokes Fantasy Art

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Absolutely incredible!Anne Stokes artwork is subject to copyright. Her work is scattered through-out my blog as per her kind permission. There is more to this image than first meets the eye. Look carefully at the fairies wings. There is a hidden, subtle image of a translucent skull. The top wings contain the eyes, the lower wings the jaw. Cool huh? Bet you never saw that at first glance. The whole picture, with the magic and the pool and the skeleton and the fairy… I dig it! Mind you, I dig ALL of her stuff. I can’t think of a single piece that doesn’t appeal to me immensly.

Autoglass Repair man??

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My girlfriend said “Alex” from Autoglass came over to inject his special resin into her crack. Should I be concerned? She doesn’t own a car.

Cyber Sex Chat

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One of the funniest things I have ever encountered must be the nut who calls himself “bloodninja” Basically what this guy does is trawls adult chat sites, then takes the piss out of who ever is on the other end. If you don’t find this hysterical, then there is something wrong with you!

The following convo actually took place. Without further ado, let me introduce… Blood Ninja!!

Bloodninja: Wanna cyber?

MommyMelissa: Sure, you into vegetables?

Bloodninja: What like gardening an shit?

MommyMelissa: Yeah, something like that.

Bloodninja: Nuthin turns me on more, check this out
Bloodninja: You bend over to harvest your radishes.

MommyMelissa: (pause)
MommyMelissa: is that it?

Bloodninja: You water your tomato patch.
Bloodninja: Are you ready for my fresh produce?

MommyMelissa: I was thinking of like, sexual acts INVOLVING vegetables… Can you make it a little more sexy for me?
MommyMelissa: (pause)

Bloodninja: I touch you on your lettuce, you massage my spinach… Sexily.
Bloodninja: I ride your buttocks, like they were amber waves of grains.

MommyMelissa: Grain doesn’t really turn me on… I was thinking more along the lines of carrots and zucchinis.

Bloodninja: my zucchinis carresses your carrots.
Bloodninja: Damn baby your right, this shit is HOT.

MommyMelissa: …

Bloodninja: My turnips listen for the soft cry of your love. My insides turn to celery as I unleash my warm and sticky cauliflower of love.

MommyMelissa: What the fuck is this madlibs? I’m outta here.

Bloodninja: Yah, well I already unleashed my cauliflower, all over your olives, and up in your eyes. Now you can’t see. Bitch.

MommyMelissa: whatever.

Who let the dog out?!

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Bright Orange Penis

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A guy goes to the doctor. He says “Doc, I got a major problem. My dick is orange.”

The doctor asks him to take off his pants and sure enough this guys dick is orange. Not just a little bit, but bright fucking day-glo orange. So the doctor asks him “Have you been having sex with prostitutes or dirty girls?”

“No Doctor. I am still a virgin.”

The doctor asks “Have you been working with dangerous chemicals?”

“No doctor.”

The doctor stares at the blokes cock for a bit and asks “Hell mate. Are you maybe a spray-painter and your aim was a bit out?”

“Nope, nothing like that.” comes the reply.

The doctor shakes his head and says “This is a most unusual and difficult diagnosis. I need to know more about you. Tell me, what do you do during the day?”

“Oh not much.” says the patient “I stay at home, watch porn and eat Cheeto’s!”

Boris Vallejo

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In an earlier post I explained how the faceless dictators of a certain social networking site disabled my profile. I initially thought it was for breach of copyright laws as I had posted fantasy artwork by Anne Stokes. I wrote to Anne who granted me permission to include her works on my blog. I was stoked! No pun intended.

For the next few days I set about learning the ins and outs of setting up a blog. My brain sizzled as I forced myself to absorb geek speak, html jargon and numerous terms that I do not wish to torture you with. All the while, in the back of my head, was a little voice whispering…”Vallejo, Boris Vallejo!”

At first I thought I was going mad. Boris Vallejo grant me permission to use his copyright? What a ludicrous idea. I would have to get past his wife first. But, emboldened by my success with Anne Stokes, I thought “What the hell. Nothing ventured, nothing gained right?”

You may be wondering just who is this Boris Vallejo? What am I raving about? Well for the not so informed, let me enlighten you. Boris (as he signs his work) is only like “The GOD” among erotica and fantasy artists. On his official website, you cannot right click to “save picture as” and if you try, the message “you are not authorized to right click” will pop up. So, my chances were slim but I gave it a bash. I flattered.

I e-mailed the MASTER and hit the send button. By this stage, I am not sure whether it was my success with Anne Stokes or the magnum bottle of sauvignon that drove me to contemplate such madness. Imagine my absolute shock when four hours later I got “you have a message from Boris Vallejo” I just stared at the monitor. Flabbergasted.

At first I was too scared to even open it, convinced my request had been denied. I imagined the reply along the lines of “Any attempt to make use of Boris artworks will lead to immediate prosecution and death by firing squad.” Until my curiosity got the better of me. I must admit, I had to read it a few times before it sank in. For your pleasure, I have copied the reply directly from my g-mail. Check this!

Hello Patrick:

Thank you for your kind words about our art.
As long as the images would be just for display and of low resolution (72dpi),
we have no problem at all. Thank you for asking
Boris and Julie. As for the image to the right, how much more phallic could he get!

Ok! So who is Julie then? She is his wife. Also incredibly talented, but more of her in a later post. Boris was born in Peru, and emigrated to the USA in 1964. He got his first paid job as an illustrator when he was just 16. He quickly built a huge fan base with his paintings of Conan the Barbarian, Tarzan, Doc Savage and others. Since starting out, Vallejo has made use of digital media, but his preference is for oil paintings. Over the years his works have graced the covers of hundreds of books, typically science fiction and fantasy, although his more recent works lean more towards erotica. Vallejo lives in Pennsylvania and has two children from his previous marriage.

Ok so thats your introduction. I will continue to post as the blog evolves!

Tiger Woods teaches golf

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One day Tiger Woods was on the course teaching his wife the game of golf. But she just could not get the hang of it. Half the balls she would end up hitting behind her, the other half a mere few feet into the rough.

Now Tiger had been with her from the first tee to the 18th. He had shown her greens and fairways, bunkers and water traps, wedges, irons and putters. He had tried to teach her even the most basic principles but she still could not fathom it out.

Out of pure frustration he said to her “Honey, the concept is actually very simple. You have to hold the club FIRMLY. For pity sakes, grasp it like you hold my cock!!!”

So Mrs Woods tees off and gets A HOLE IN ONE!! Tiger nods his head in appreciation before saying “Thats more like it! Now you can take the club out of your mouth!”

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