Aside from being double-jointed, gifted and blessed, I am God’s gift to women. I have a tongue that’s six inches long and I can breathe through my ears. I pleasured Hillary while Bill was still learning to inhale.

I invaded Uranus and declared war on Pluto when it was still considered a planet. I am also responsible for Saturn being in its current orbit.

I hunt crocodiles, seduce only the fairest of women and have a harem of concubines that is the envy of Sheik Mohammed.

I am a descendant of Charles Dickens and a personal friends of Eddie Murphy.

I build empires and destroy civilizations. I can fart thunderbolts, have an over developed sex drive and the stamina to match.

I am as old as my hair and a little older than my teeth. Generally, I am full of shit and can speak both Latin and Greek.

I live in a Hobbit hole, somewhere in South Africa.