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I’m not getting any tonight

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I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.

FOR EXAMPLE:

One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, “I don’t feel like it, I just want you to hold me.” I said, “WHAT??!!

What was that?!” So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear…

“You’re just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.”

She responded to my puzzled look by saying, “Can’t you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?”

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits.

She couldn’t decide which one to take, so I told her we’d just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, “Lets get a pair for each outfit.” We went on to the jewellery department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you… she was so excited!

She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn’t even know how to play tennis.

I think I threw her for a loop when I said, “That’s fine, honey.” She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, “I think this is all dear, let’s go to the cashier.”

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, “No honey, I don’t feel like it.”

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled,
“WHAT?”

I then said, “Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You’re just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.” And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, “Why can’t you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?”

Apparently I’m not having sex tonight either….but at least that girl knows I’m smarter than her.

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Sex Chocolate

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FOR a long time women have compared chocolate to sex. Now doctors have discovered a scientific link between the two.

According to Italian researchers, women who eat chocolate regularly have a better sex life than those who deny themselves the treat. Those consuming the sugary snack had the highest levels of desire, arousal and satisfaction from sex.

The urologists from San Raffaele hospital, Milan, questioned 163 women about their consumption of chocolate as well as their experience of sexual fulfilment.

The study, which will be presented at the European Society for Sexual Medicine in London next month, found: “Women who have a daily intake of chocolate showed higher levels of desire than women who did not have this habit. Chocolate can have a positive physiological impact on a woman’s sexuality.”

.Dr Andrea Salonia, author of the study — funded from a university research budget, not by the confectionery industry — said women who have a low libido could even become more amorous after eating chocolate. He believes chocolate could be particularly medicinal for women who shun sex because they are suffering from premenstrual tension.“Chocolate is not like a food, it is like a drug. Women who suffer mood swings as a result of their menstrual cycle may also suffer a dip in their sexual function. I strongly believe eating chocolate may improve their sexual function,” said Salonia.

The research looked at the lifestyle habits that affect women’s sex lives. It also looked at smoking and coffee consumption but found no links with sexual enjoyment. Some might argue, however, that women who like chocolate are simply more sensually attuned.
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Since you were a child you’ve been told that chocolate destroys your teeth and makes you fat; well, now, scientists in fact recommend chocolate as being even more efficient than many drugs in preventing and treating various conditions. On one condition, though: it must have as much cocoa as possible, even 60-75%

A chocolate’s quality is determined by the properties of the cocoa seeds it’s made of, especially the amount of flavonoids, also encountered in wine, green tea, and bilberries. Milk chocolate has less flavonoids, and white chocolate has almost none. But flavonoids such as epicatechin are usually removed for commercial cocoas (employed for producing chocolate) because they induce a bitter taste.

In fact, the chocolate’s compounds that are pharmacologically active, like serotonin, tryptophan, phenylethylamine, tyramine and cannabinoids, are found in higher amounts in other types of food that are less appealing than chocolate.

Chocolate was first produced by the civilizations of Central America and when the Europeans arrived to America, cocoa was employed in making sauces and beverages, both sweet and bitter, exclusively destined to noble people. In fact, chocolate comes from the Nahuatl (Aztecs’ language) word “chocolatl”. Chocolate should literally melt in your mouth: its melting point being 36.1� C.

1. Chocolate reduces blood pressure. The flavonoids found in cocoa help in the control of the arterial tension, by increasing the amount of nitric oxide in the blood. Studies showed that dark chocolate is as effective as the antihypertensive drugs are.

2. Dark chocolate can decrease by 50% the risk of a heart attack, coronary disease by 10%, and premature death by 8%.

3. It improves blood circulation to the brain for two to three hours after you eaten chocolate. The flavonoids dilate the blood vessels in the brain, allowing a larger blood flow (implicit of oxygen). This way, the brain fights off exhaustion, insomnia and aging, improving memory and learning.
A special cocoa that retains the naturally occurring chemicals called flavonoids, which are abundant in fresh cocoa, could help maintain the normal functioning of the brain and could be used for future therapies against cognitive decline and dementia.

4. Chocolate gets into a good mood. Phenylethylamine, a neuronal disinhibitor released by the brain, is also found in chocolate, and induces a stage of euphoria and excitation during the sexual prelude, by turning on the brain’s pleasure nuclei. This molecule increases the feeling of excitement, giddiness and boosts the sex drive; consequently, it gives you more or less the same sensation that the alcohol does, but without the secondary effects of the latter. (you know what they say… ‘Flowers or chocolate to your girl!’)
Anyone knows the “I feel good” sensation induced by chocolate. Chocolate does not contain serotonin, the “happiness” hormone, but tryptophan, a serotonin precursor, that the brain can transform into serotonin.

High serotonin levels stimulate the release of endorphins. Actually, what the antidepressant drugs do is simply increase the brain’s serotonin levels, since low levels of serotonin induce depression.

4. Chocolate increases the quantity of sugar in your blood, due to the above-mentioned flavonoids. Chocolate helps the process of sugar metabolization, and dark chocolate helps reduce the risk of developing diabetes.
5. Chocolate fights off chronic fatigue. Eating 50 grams of chocolate (85 % cacao) daily decreases the symptoms of this disease.

6. Chocolate increases “good” cholesterol and lowers the “bad” one, due to the antioxidants, similar to those found in fruits, vegetables, tea and wine.

7. This food can also be a remedy against coughing. A chemical from cocoa can be more efficient against coughing than many medicines are, and it doesn’t have the adverse effects that the latter have.
8. Improved circulation induced by flavonoids also boost…erection! So �.what will it be: Viagra or chocolate?

9. Chocolate contains iron. That’s why it is recommended for pregnant women. Chocolate is also abundant in magnesium, proven to ease pre-menstrual symptoms (PMS). The calcium in milk induces the same effect, so milk chocolate could ensure the men’s peace and relaxation in certain… ‘special moments’.

10. Just like coffee, cocoa contains caffeine too

11. The researches showed that chocolate consumers live almost one year more than those who do not eat chocolate.

12. Studies have shown that chocolate impedes cell deterioration and cancer.

13. The bitterest chemical found in chocolate, theobromine, an alkaloid similar to caffeine, was found to fight off tooth decay, being more efficient than the fluoride in strengthening the crystalline structure of teeth against erosion by acid-producing bacteria (linked to tooth decay)
So…. what’s so great about chocolate as opposed to SEX???

1) You can get chocolate.

2) ”If you love me you’ll swallow that” has real meaning with chocolate.

3) Chocolate satisfies even when it has gone soft.

4) You can safely have chocolate while you are driving.

5) You can make chocolate last as long as you want it to.
6) You can have chocolate in front of your mother.

7) If you bite the nuts too hard the chocolate won’t mind.

8) Two people of the same sex can have chocolate without being called nasty names.

9) The word ”commitment” doesn’t scare off chocolate.

10) You can have chocolate on top of your desk during working hours without upsetting your coworkers.

11) You can ask a stranger for chocolate without getting your face slapped.

12) You don’t get hairs in your mouth with chocolate.

13) With chocolate there’s no need to fake it

14) Chocolate doesn’t make you pregnant.

15) You can have chocolate at any time of the month.

16) Good chocolate is easy to find.

17) You can have as many kinds of chocolate as you can handle

18) You are never too young or too old for chocolate.

19) When you have chocolate it does not keep your neighbors awake.

20) With chocolate size doesn’t matter; it’s always good.

1. We’ve heard of rice and pasta, but chocolate as a staple? Yes, ask the South Mexico Olmec tribe back in 1000 B.C. They ate chocolate all the time! Strange, but true!
2. Talk about sweet ceremonies! The Maya drank liquid chocolate during weddings, engagements, baptisms and even funerals! Whoever thought there was something ceremonial about chocolate!
3. Some chocolates may cost you but did you know that Cacao or chocolates beans were used as currency by Aztec and Maya tribes? If we had that today we would be eating out of our wallets!
4. So who thought of solidifying chocolate? Thank Mexican nuns from the 1700’s as they created and exported the first chocolate product as a fund raiser for their convent.
5. Here’s another fact. Not just 10 or 50 but chocolate remarkably has over 500 flavors in it! No wonder it tastes so good. Vanilla and strawberry don’t even come close to this figure.
6. Heard of Mexican Emperor Montezuma? He drank liquid chocolate before getting busy in his harem. Since chocolate make you feel good, it is considered an aphrodisiac.
7. Those gory scenes in Alfred Hitchcock’s ‘Psycho’, was all chocolate syrup! Although the scene finishes in about 45 seconds, it took 7 days to get that shot done perfectly! Now that’s a sticky plot!
8. Chocolate was re-born in 1879 when Daniel Peter and Henre Nestle introduced milk chocolate to the world. In the same year Rudolphe Lindt introduced the conching process which makes chocolate smooth and soft.
9. Napoleon was great in many ways. Did you know he took chocolate along with him during his military campaigns. Now that was a clever move as chocolate gives you added energy and restores carbohydrates.
10. For all those of you out there dreaming about those chocolate bars, dream away! You can’t blame chocolate for raising your blood cholesterol. Now that’s a fact so eat!
Chocolate has changed the way we eat, romance and live. But don’t go overboard as too much of a good thing can be bad!

In conclusion, you may be wondering what I typed this article on.
Well my choclolate keyboard of course!

And here are some cool pics of chocolate for you to feast your eyes on. Pretty amazing too.

Horror Movie

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Faster than you can think!

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An office manager was given the task of hiring an Individual to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes he found four people who were equally qualified. He decided to call the four in and ask them only one question. Their answer would determine which of them would get the job. The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table the interviewer asked:

“What is the fastest thing you know of?”

Acknowledging the first man (A WHITE MAN), on his right, the man replied, “A THOUGHT. It just pops into your head. There’s no warning that it’s on the way; it’s just there. A thought is the fastest thing I know of.” “That’s very good!” replied the interviewer.

“And now you sir?” he asked the second man (A INDIANMAN). “Hmm …. let me see. A blink! It comes and goes and you don’t know that it ever happened. A BLINK is the fastest thing I know of.”
“Excellent!” said the interviewer. “The blink of an eye .that’s a very popular cliché for speed.”

He then turned to the third man (A BLACK MAN) who was contemplating his reply.” Well, out at my dad’s FARM, you step out of the house and on the wall there’s a light switch. When you flip that switch & way out across the pasture the light in the barn comes on in less than an ant. TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of. “The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought he had found his man. “It’s hard to beat the speed of light” He said.

Turning to the fourth and final man (A COLOURED MAN), the interviewer posed the same question. It’s obvious to me that the fastest thing known is
DIARRHEA.” “WHAT!?” said the interviewer, stunned by the response. “Oh I can explain.” said the fourth man. “You see the other day I wasn’t feeling so good and I ran for the bathroom. But, before I could THINK, BLINK, orTURN ON THE LIGHT , I had already kakked in my pants!”

Facebook news feed/live feed

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If you don’t like the new FB live feed/news feed…here’s the fix. In the menu at the top left, click on MORE. Then drag STATUS UPDATES to the top, above NEWS FEED. After dragging to top, click on it. That becomes your default and HOME is like before. Pass it on.”

Old man suffers from premature ejaculation.

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An older man had met a younger woman, but unfortunately he was unable to
last very long before he would orgasm during sex. As a caring man, he was
concerned that he was disappointing his new lover, so he called his doctor
for advice.

The doc told him that masturbating before sex often helped men last longer during the act. So he reckoned, “What the hell!” and decided to give it a go.

He spent the rest of the day thinking about where he could catch a wank. He couldn’t
do it in his office. He thought about the restroom, but that was too open. He considered an alley, but figured that was too unsafe. Finally, he realized his solution.

On his way home, he pulled his truck over on the side of the highway. He got out and crawled underneath as if he was examining the truck. Satisfied with the privacy, he undid his pants and started to choke the chicken.

He closed his eyes and thought of his lover. As he grew closer to orgasm, he felt a quick tug at the bottom of his pants. Not wanting to lose his mental fantasy or the orgasm, he kept his eyes shut and replied, “What?”

He heard, “This is the police. What the hell are you doing?”

The man replied, “I’m checking out the rear axle. I think it’s busted.”

The cop says, “Well, you better check your brakes too, because your truck rolled down the hill 5 minutes ago.”

Two guys at a strip show

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Two guys are in a strip joint, one is sitting in front of the other. A woman comes on stage and starts stripping. The guy in back, Paul, says, “Oh yeah, Oh yeah!”

Then the first guy turns around and says, ” Hey Paul, shut up!”

Then two women come out and start stripping. Paul, once again, starts, “Yeah baby..mmmm….yeah!”

Once again the guy in front turns around and tells Paul to be quiet. So three women come out and start stripping. Paul is silent.

The guy in front says, “Hey Paul, where’s all your excitement now?”

Paul says, “All over your back!”

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