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Halloween Joke

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It was Halloween, the husband and wife were due to go to a dress up party together. The wife developed a horrible migraine in the afternoon and told her husband she would rather not go. Being the ever faithful, the husband told her he would stay home too. “No! No!” she insisted. “You must go or I will feel just awful!”

So the husband went to the party while the wife slept for a bit. When she woke, the migraine had passed and since her husband had not yet seen her outfit, she decided to go to the party in her disguise and see what he was up to.

She mingled among the guests, then spotted her husband in his outfit standing at the bar, downing drink after drink and leering at the other female guests. Then he hit the dance floor, skanking his ass, copping a quick feel here n there. So she decided to go dance with him, he was after all her husband. The two of them got down and dirty and literally set the place alight. So she whispered in his ear “Lets go outside for a quickie!”

Out in the garden the husband banged her for all he was worth. Just before midnight and the official unmasking, the wife slipped away and went back home. A while later her husband returned so she said to him “Good party, dear?”

“Nah, not really.” said her man.

“Oh? Did you have too much to drink?” she asked.

“Only one beer. Then orange juice the rest of the evening.”

“Oh?” she said, eyebrows raised. “And dancing? Did you have fun?”

“No babe.” he said. “You know when you’re not around I don’t really enjoy myself. In fact I went upstairs and played cards all night.”

The wife was about to blow her top when the husband says “Mind you, the guy I loaned my costume to seemed to have enjoyed himself.”

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Halloween, from a cynics perspective

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Halloween. Another excuse for us to fritter away our hard earned cash. If its not Mothers Day Fathers Day Valentines Day Easter Christmas Eid Mubarak independence day, Malcolm X day or Lesbian Day, we are forced to suffer yet another money making scheme, this one for the dead!

This is a pumpkin pic. Shows the dude has some imagination. Talent too!

Forgive my cynicism, but I am so tired of the capitalist BS that accompanies these festivities. It is ridiculous the extent to which we have forgotten the meaning and origins of such occasions. For example, I live in South Africa. Guess what? The Muslims in South Africa celebrate Christmas!!! The malls are packed with sandals and turbans and Hallmark cards no longer say “God’s blessings to you over Christmas!” because that’s politically insensitive. Religious intolerance. So they now read “Best wishes to you over the festive season.”

Gandalf in the Mines of Moria, carved pumpkin

On the 31st October time we will celebrate Halloween. Until a few years back, Halloween was not celebrated in South Africa. The then Apartheid government viewed this Pagan festival as Devil worship. Strange though that beating and torturing blacks was God’s will. (It certainly kept the crime rate in check) Blacks? Sorry, I forgot my pc manners. I appologise, for now they are known as African Africans. And I am no longer a white; I am a European African.

But I digress. Back to Halloween. Oops, did I say Halloween? Sorry. I did not mean to offend the Christians among you. Certainly no God fearing Christian would involve themselves with any Pagan ceremony. No! Heaven forbid. So desperate to keep up with the Jones, Pope Gregory the 3rd and Pope Gregory the 4th moved the Pagan holiday to November the 1st and called it All Saints Day! Well the Protestants didn’t like this. They protested. Then they saw the Pagans and the Catholics were having fun and they didn’t want to miss out on the action so…. They introduced Reformation Day! So the Pagans and the Catholics and the Protestants were all in on the bandwagon. Where were the Muslims? They needed a hostage. The grim reaper was nowhere to be found so…. in Muslim countries where Halloween is celebrated, devotion is paid to Saint Barbara! How the hell the got that right, I haven’t the foggiest.

Ok well the Pagans and the Catholics and the Protestants and the Arabs were all having a whale of a time. But you know how humanity works. You can’t please every-one and some folks just need an excuse to be miserable wet blankets. Who are the unhappy bunch? Well, the Jehova Witness crowd doesn’t accept Halloween, but bare in mind they won’t accept a blood transfusion either. So who else? Have you heard of the Wiccans? The people whose beliefs actually stem directly from Paganism? They don’t like Halloween. Apparently little kids dressing up as witches adds to the stereotype of evil crone, especially when they associate themselves with Aliens and characters from horror movies. And then the Jews don’t go in for it either, unless of course they can make a quick buck on the sly.
Carved pumpkin, image from Pirates of the Carribean

So what IS Halloween? What does it mean and from where did it originate? Aah! The roots are derived from an old Celtic tradition known as Samhain, which in a literal translation means summer’s end. Samhain celebrates the beginning of winter, or ‘the darker half’ of the year, sometimes also known as the “Celtic New Year.” It was a time when the ancestors were invited into the home, as it was believed the boundary between this world and the other world somehow thinned and became more accessible, both to good AND bad spirits. So to ward off psionic attacks from evil spirits, the nutty Celts made bonfires, slaughtered cattle, threw bones on the fire and disguised themselves as evil spirits. The logic was “if I LOOK like a BAD ASS MOFO then the REAL bad ass mofo will be shit scared of me and leave me alone!!” So that is where the idea of dressing up and looking like some kind of hell spawn originates. Not the Rocky Horror Picture Show. Sorry to disappoint. And the word “Halloween” was originally spelled Hallowe’en, abridged from All Hallows’ Evening. Or, to be more accurate, from the Olde English “Eallra Halegna Fen.” So there!
Pumpkin carving, Eragorn

Now we know why little kids dress up, it’s time to discuss Trick or Treat. Common themes nowadays tend to be mostly from horror movies. So Freddy from Friday 13th and Nightmare on Elm street 476264 are ever popular. In 2006, 57% of Yanks spent an average of $40 each on costumes, the revenue from this day an estimated $5 billion!!! To feed a starving African (African African, not African American) child for a month costs less than $10. Don’t get me started on what Yanks spend on pet clothing. You would be horrified. Now we have our little Bratz dolled up in the Emperors clothes, they then have the bloody audacity to bother the neighbours, demanding sweets. This is where the “trick” part came in. Originally it worked as follows “You give me treats, or, malicious little bastard that I am, I will trick you. I will cause untold damage to your property. So… hand over the good stuff!”

One popular treat was toffee apples (candy apples to the Yanks) since Halloween comes shortly after the annual apple harvest. Now good neighbourly folks got sick and tired of damn children on the mat holding them to ransom. It was time to exact some revenge. So broken bits of razor blades and shards of glass were inserted into these apples, giving the bloody kids some reason to look so horrific. Needless to say, parents of these monsters freaked out. For a fee, you can now take your kids toffee apples to the hospital and have them X-rayed. Not to be out-smarted, the hippies added a bit o’ LSD into the toffee mix. The fortunate ones came home tripping their skulls out!! The freaks also love Halloween. Murders, sadomasochistic crimes and such like all rocket over this period too. Have fun! Dress as Michael Jackson!

So, hopefully now that you’ve read my piece you are more informed and aware of this ridiculous event. I, for one, am going to sit in the pub, drink beer and watch the evening as an outsider. Like I do for most of these idiotic days.

If you liked the pics of the pumpkins, and are looking for MORE, plus FREE templates, check http://www.fantasypumpkins.com (sorry, new to blogging, don’t know how to get hyper-links working yet)And if you liked the blog, share with your mates and colleagues. Also feel free to comment. I need some attention.